Day 240: Brady Gives Manning a Pat.

Sometimes you just need a giggle... sometimes when life is swirling around you like a category five cyclone and you're so busy you can barely remember your name, let alone where you parked your car at the Whole Foods. Sometimes you just have to say screw it... screw the piles of paperwork sitting on your desk or the enormous proposal you've barely started. Just screw it and look at funny shit on the internet.

When I'm feeling down or swirly or overwhelmed by life, I normally turn to The Oatmeal for my yucks. This guy is the biggest friggin hilarious genius the earth has ever produced. His cartoons are nothing short of brilliant. And hilarious. Read about the undead parrot, I guarantee you won't be able to stifle your giggles. He brightens my days.

But there's something else that is good for a few yucks. The ever popular sports meme does wonders for your stress level. (It was a long time before I had any idea what the hell a meme was, and I'm still not quite sure if I know for certain.) This one showed up on my Facebook timeline today and, well, it kinda set the tone for the week.

Yes... I know... I suck because I fell asleep and never saw Tom Brady and Patriots make their historical comeback. But, yeah... this.

Oh Peyton... I know it's hard to throw the ball with mittens on. Even harder when you're wearing a skirt.

Day 239: Biggest Comeback in Franchise History and Guessed Who Missed It?

I have a confession to make. I fell asleep just after halftime and missed the thrilling comeback victory the New England Patriots pulled off over the Denver Broncos. I am an epic failure of a football fan. I let the busy day get the best of me and by halftime, I was asleep on the couch, drooling on myself. Damn those Sunday night games! The last thing I said as I made my way up to bed was, "Watch, I'm sure the Pats will mount some amazing comeback and I'll miss the whole thing." Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket.

Basically, I suck. When I woke up this morning to texts like, "Are u still up?" and "OMFG!" I knew I was in trouble right away. I've honestly never felt so physically sick for missing a game until this one. Stupid me didn't even think to hit record on the DVR... 

So here's what I saw...

• Stevan Ridley coughs up the ball. Well there's something new and different. Denver runs fumble back for a touchdown. Crap.

• Tom Brady gets creamed and coughs up the ball. Denver recovers, eventually scores another touchdown. Crap CRAP.

• LaGarrette Blount coughs up the ball. What the hell? Is fumbling contagious? Denver recovers yet again and turns the Patriots' misfortune into three points. At least it wasn't a touchdown.

• Broncos score another touchdown for a 24-0 lead and I sink further into a sleeping position on the couch. 

• Oh wait, the Patriots have life—they take the opening second half kickoff down the field for a touchdown. They played like the Broncos were still in the locker room. Oooh, see what happens when you don't give the ball away?

And here's what I missed... clearly all the good stuff.

• Denver fumbles! Yay! Looks like they caught the fumblitis! And the Patriots convert the turnover into another touchdown. 24-14

• Denver fails to score on their next possession. Patriots get ball back and score another TD... this time highlighted by a 43-year pass, Brady to Edelman. 24-21... boo-yeah!

• Denver gets the ball back and Peyton Manning promptly thrown an interception. It takes the Patriots just three plays to score yet another touchdown! Patriots now lead 28-24. Exciting!! (Surely more exciting than the sheep I was counting.)

• Denver goes three and out and the Patriots march back down the field and score a field goal to extend their lead to 31-24.

• Uh oh... Denver ties it up on a touchdown. Boo-hissssssss.

• Overtime! And back and forth we go and now no one can seem to score. 

• With just over three minutes to play in OT, the Patriots are forced to punt. Wes Welker is back to receive but opts not to catch it. The ball hits one of his guys... live ball... Patriots recover!! Field goal is good. Game is over. Patriots are victorious!! 

What a game! (I imagine, of course.) I can't believe I missed all that excitement. Although it may be a good thing because I most certainly would have peed my pants!! 

Day 238: Patriots Host Broncos and Old Friend, Wes Welker Tonight!

After a disappointing and controversial loss last Monday to the Carolina Panthers, Sunday night's game against the Denver Broncos looms pretty big for New England. For the entire season, this is the one game I've written off as a "hell no, they can't win" for the Patriots—especially after the Broncos burst out of the gate so strong and Peyton Manning looked virtually unstoppable. But now... my feelings have changed and I really think the Pats have a chance to take this game.

If you look at the AFC East standings, you'll see that the Patriots' lead over the the second place Jets and Dolphins isn't that sizable. If the Pats were to lose and either the Jets or 'Phins win this week, that lead gets just a little too close for comfort. So a win over the Broncos would be huge—huge for their hold on the division and huge for their confidence.

We also get our first glimpse of old friend Wes Welker in orange and blue. Welker is coming off an injury last week against the Chiefs where he left the game with a concussion. Most would have thought he was a definite no-go for this game but surprisingly he's been cleared by the medical staff and is confirmed to be playing Sunday night. I'm pretty sure a broken leg wouldn't keep Welker off the field against his former team.

As a side note, why is it that a hockey player is out weeks and sometimes months with a concussion but a football player comes back the next week? Seems fishy to me... I would think the chance for helmet-to-helmet collisions is much higher on the football field. This should make things interesting.

The Patriots do have some concerns within their secondary with four of the top five defensive backs listed ad questionable for this game. But Sunday night's weather could dictate the type of play and limit a high-flying passing attack with temps dropping into the 20s or lower and high winds expected. If both teams take to the ground, weaknesses in the secondary might not make much of a difference. Although the Patriots will need to step up their run defense since the Broncos are #4 in the AFC in rushing averaging over 90 yards a game.

On paper, it looks like the Patriots don't have a snowball's chance in hell to win this game. But honestly, especially this year, no game is a sure win. Maybe Bill Belichick should just plan to say something really mean to Wes Welker to throw him off his game. I mean, that is why he left New England, isn't it?

Day 237: Remembering Butt Fumble 2012

One year ago Friday something very special happened... for one, it was Thanksgiving and that's always a momentous day of incessant eating—by far one of my favorite days of the year. But it was also the day the famous Butt Fumble happened. (My apologies for being a day late...)

It was Thanksgiving night and the New England Patriots visited the New York Jets. There are few things more exciting for a Pats fan then to get a game on Turkey Day. It's even better when it's a night game and all the cooking and cleaning is finished and there's nothing left to do but lay on the couch, groaning from the vast amounts of foods consumed, and float in and out of consciousness while watching the game.

The Patriots buried the Jets that night, winning 49-19, highlighted by the second quarter where the Pats scored 35 points, 21 of which came on Jets' fumbles. It was a disastrous quarter for the Jets and despite owning the time of possession, holding onto the ball for 12 of that quarter's 15 minuets, they were outscored 35-3.

One of the Pats' touchdowns came on the legendary Butt Fumble play (yes, it even has its own Wikipedia page.) Jets quarterback, Mark Sanchez, took the snap and mistakenly turned left instead of right. There was no one to receive his handoff so he scrambled forward trying to salvage the play. As he tried to slide to protect himself from being lambasted, he ran face first right into the ass of his right guard. The buttocks collision dislodged the ball from Sanchez's grasp and knocked him to the ground. Patriots' defensive back Steve Gregory collected the fumble and ran it into the endzone.

But watching it is much funnier.

I'm not sure Mark Sanchez will ever live that play down.

Day 236: Buzz Kill Cubbies

It appears that the Chicago Cubs are all about having no fun. At least that's the feeling I got reading about a young fan who was criticized for cheering too much for the pathetic Cubbies. Eleven-year-old Natalie Adorno goes to quite a few games—her family has season tickets at Wrigley. And she's widely known throughout the park. The staff and other fans—even the club's owner—know her by name.

You see, Natalie likes to try and get the crowd going to help her cheer on her beloved Cubs. She is often seen leading surrounding sections in chants of "Let's Go Cubbies!" and in the late innings will sometimes vacate her seat in order to get the fans around her behind the team. Why wouldn't she? Doesn't every team love to hear the fans behind them cheering their fool heads off for the team they love? Isn't that why they call it home field advantage?

But not everyone is pleased with her exuberant behavior. Some fans have issues with all the cheering. Huh? With all the annoying, obnoxious, drunken shit that happens at the ballpark, these assholes are picking on a kid? Some irritated fans took Twitter to voice their frustrations saying, "Not all of us fans appreciate your constant yelling at the games. Please stop, it's annoying." Only a douche bag would attack a kid for their team spirit.

The whole situation even caused the Cubs organization to get involved after another season ticket holder actually filed a complaint. Technically Natalie has the right to cheer, but the Cubs say that by leaving her seat and performing her crowd-revving activities in the aisles, she's violating the ballpark's rules. Big deal, Nat... you can cheer just as loud from your seat. Screw those old, fun-less farts. Her dad is actually giving second thoughts to renewing his season tickets... don't really blame him for that.

Clearly this kid is a die-hard fan. (A girl after my own heart, really.) How can you not just smile and be happy that an organization who hasn't won a World Series since 1908 is still gaining new, young fans. Natalie tweeted a photo of a sign that notes: "It's not about the wins, it's about the memories." So true... especially for a Cubs fan.

Day 235: A-Rod is a Douche Bag. The End.

PED pariah and Yankees' third baseman Alex Rodriguez stomped out of his own grievance hearing on Wednesday in New York like a spoiled three year old headed for a time out. He was in the midst of the hearings to try and get his 211-game suspension for alleged drug use overturned when it was ruled that commissioner Bud Selig did not have to testify before Rodreguez's attorneys. He was not happy.

So A-Rod did what he does best—he threw a tantrum. He slammed his fist on the table, declared the proceedings freaking bullcrap or something a bit more vulgar that might not be allowed on this blog, and he walked out. He issued a statement through his spokesperson (actually I'm sure it was a statement written by his spokesperson too since I'm fairly certain that A-Rod doesn't even know what unprecedented even means.)

"I am disgusted with this abusive process, designed to ensure that the player fails," the statement said. "I have sat through 10 days of testimony by felons and liars, sitting quietly through every minute, trying to respect the league and the process. This morning, after Bud Selig refused to come in and testify about his rationale for the unprecedented and totally baseless punishment he hit me with, the arbitrator selected by MLB and the players' association refused to order Selig to come in and face me. The absurdity and injustice just became too much. I walked out and will not participate any further in this farce."

What's a boy who's not getting his own way to do? Well, head on over the WFAN where Mike Francesa can kiss his ass, that's what! In fact, Francesa has his head so far up his ass, A-Rod needs a glass belly button so he can see where he's going. It's kinda gross actually. With so much evidence mounted against Rodriguez, for someone to so vehemently defend him is just really weird. Even his own team doesn't want him around anymore.

“Listen, they (MLB) accused you. They said they had mountains of evidence. They said they could prove you did worse than this,” Francesa preached. “You know how I feel. You’ve gotten railroaded... I don’t know if you’ve done steroids again or not, that’s your business. You’re stating here now that you’ve never done anything. You should be fighting this tooth and nail... I would’ve been outraged long before this.”

Gag, gag... vomit... gag. Really? REALLY? Alex Rodriguez is the biggest liar on the planet. But evidently Francesa has a giant man crush on the cheater so maybe someone should set up a marriage for these two douche bags.

It pains me that I share a birthday with this asshat.

Day 234: Sport Science Takes Closer Look at Bad Game-Ending Call

The more I hear and see and relive that horrible game-ending call that tagged the New England Patriots with their third loss of the season, the more annoyed I get. But my aggravation just intensified when I watched ESPN SportCenter's Sport Science segment which broke down the infamous play making Pats fans everywhere cry out in despair. Ok, maybe that was just me.

Sport Science breaks down the play as follows:

Running at 16 miles per hour into the end zone, Rob Gronkowski begins to decelerate nearly a full second before the ball arrives. Defender Luke Kuechly makes contact with Gronk a third of a second later, meaning contact happened 2/3 of a second before the ball was intercepted. 

Sport Science projects that untouched, Gronk would have been able to decelerate from 16 mph to 0 mph in roughly a half-second. That would have given the Patriots tight end time to use his 8-foot-3 reach to make a play on the ball. Of course, he still would have had safety Robert Lester, who ultimately intercepted the ball, to contend with.  

It’s highly improbable he would have been able to position himself to have a better shot at the ball than Lester, but the fact it might have even been possible makes the ruling that the pass was uncatchable -- which was the stated reason the pass interference flag was picked up -- a questionable one.

Or you could just watch the video. And if you're like me, you'll want to punch a hole through your computer. I'll go to my grave believing that any other team gets that pass interference call.


Tom Brady said even his mom thought it was interference. Tom Brady's mom is obviously a very smart woman.